‘I’m spending a fortune on home maintenance. I realize my second husband is essentially living in my house for free’: What is a fair way to split costs?

I did some investing as nicely. I saved by my 401(okay) at work, maxing out yearly. Now retired attributable to some well being points, I’ve a small pension (about $24,000 a 12 months), an funding account valued at $2.5 million (from which I’m drawing about 2% a 12 months for residing bills), a house valued at about $400,000 and no debt.   

I remarried 6 years in the past. My husband is a superb man with many nice qualities, although he’s not been nice at managing cash. He was divorced — his spouse left him and their 3 youngsters, and he raised them alone.  (They’re all grown, ages 29 to 35.) He’s 65, now retired, was an engineer and had a well-paying job. 

I totally acknowledge that his monetary place was totally different from mine — he by no means obtained any youngster help from his ex, and, actually, needed to pay her spousal help for 4 years, whereas I had Social Safety and insurance coverage to assist my funds. He saved some when he labored, however for a few years didn’t spend money on his 401(okay). He has a pension that’s about 2.5 occasions the scale of mine, and he’s beginning to accumulate Social Safety subsequent month. He additionally has about $500,000 in retirement financial savings.

Once I married my husband, he offered his home, which was valued at $100,000 greater than mine, however he had no fairness in it (attributable to borrowing towards it for dwelling upkeep, automobiles and school tuition). He needed to take cash to closing, repaying the financial institution for the rest of the mortgage.

I lent him that cash and loaned him $20,000 for portray, mildew remediation and flooring restore that wanted to be accomplished earlier than he moved in. His first and second mortgage and residing bills ate up his whole revenue, and he was residing on credit score. He owed about $50,000 on bank cards and $40,000 for his third youngster’s school prices (she had a mortgage as nicely).  

After we offered his home and we married, he paid off every little thing. He paid me again every little thing he had borrowed, paid off his bank cards and paid down the scholar mortgage (which he lastly totally paid off this 12 months).  

We signed a prenup earlier than we married. My house is in belief for my youngsters and the prenup provides him a life curiosity in the home, ought to I pre-decease him. We cut up residing bills.  Throughout the first 4 years of our marriage, that cut up included cash for the mortgage (we paid about $550 a month every). The prenup states that if I promote the home, I might owe him the $550 for every month that he paid half the mortgage; that’s about $25,000 whole. I’m high-quality with all that. 

We’re nonetheless splitting bills, however we not pay $550 monthly because the mortgage is paid off. Nevertheless, we’ve been doing lots of enhancements to the home. Some are enhancements we each wished (e.g., changing the worn, warped deck with a brand new bluestone patio) and others had been requirements (e.g., eradicating the den ceiling attributable to leaking ductwork and repairing the ducts, changing the ceiling and flooring). 

I’m spending a fortune on dwelling upkeep. I notice that my second husband is actually residing in my home totally free. He’s very helpful and does lots of small repairs and upkeep himself, which I drastically respect.

Any repairs and enhancements profit me greater than they do him, as I’ll notice the elevated worth in my dwelling once I promote it. However I’m rising resentful that I’m overlaying so many massive bills and am questioning if there’s a honest approach for him to pay a few of these prices.  

I additionally notice that my web value is bigger than his. What’s honest? Ought to he pay lease or another prices related to the upkeep? Or ought to I suck it up and pay for something house-related and simply respect the upkeep work he does for me? 

What’s your recommendation for an equitable association?  

Thanks a lot.

Second Spouse in Virginia 

Expensive Second Spouse,

Earlier than I reply your query, I need to congratulate you for getting this far. First as a spouse, widow and single mom and once more as a second spouse, navigating and — for probably the most half — avoiding these treacherous monetary pitfalls that hundreds of thousands of individuals fall prey to day-after-day. 

You might be additionally an exquisite instance of taking part in the lengthy recreation. You invested, paid off your mortgage, put your youngsters by school and have a large nest egg to assist compensate in your extra modest pension. You not solely survived, however you thrived. You led a very good and, it appears, comfortable life. 

This column is about cash, primarily, when you take the title actually, however when you don’t have peace of thoughts and take a second likelihood at happiness with a brand new relationship — as you probably did along with your second husband — what’s all of it for, anyhow? Cash alone received’t make anybody content material.

Not solely did you keep within the black, however you helped your second husband get out of debt, you offered him with a steady dwelling life, and also you protected your self with a fairly good prenuptial settlement that additionally generously agrees to repay him for contributions he made to your mortgage when you promote.  Brava!

From the romantic to the semantic

And now I wish to transfer from the romantic to the semantic. Apologies prematurely. You write that you just really feel resentful as a result of your husband doesn’t pay for any of the renovations, which I think about are including up within the hundreds of {dollars}, but he’ll profit from them for his lifetime.

You say you’re resentful as a result of you are paying for the renovations — not as a result of he has refused to pay. You might be basically and objectively aggravated with your self, fairly than blaming your husband. (He may have volunteered to pay half. Rightly or wrongly, he believes his monetary obligations to your own home are full.)

Your resolution is barely much less simple, so it’ll assist to be sincere with him. Inform him that you just didn’t anticipate the renovations to price a lot, and begin by asking him what he believes could be a good contribution. You possibly can replace your prenup to comply with reimburse capital enhancements do you have to promote or cut up.

Have in mind that you just launched into these renovations with out the understanding or intention that he would pay for them too. Maybe it’s honest to pay 50% of the newest important renovations, however lower than 50% for the dearer bluestone patio. 

An Eleventh-hour shock

Nevertheless, he could nicely comply with pay 50% of all of them. It’s simply tougher to ask him to pay you for 50% retroactively, particularly if you’re going again a number of years. He has a hard and fast revenue too, however no one likes to be shocked with a invoice on the Eleventh hour, and at such a late stage after the unique expenditure.

For that motive, I might additionally advise towards asking him to pay lease. That appears an excessive amount of like a rug pull and — greater than that — a covert approach of overlaying the bills that you just didn’t ask him or anticipate him to pay within the first occasion. You might be each retired now, in any case.

It doesn’t must be 50/50. It’s your own home. You each take pleasure in residing there in your lifetime, assuming you stay married, and it’ll finally go to your youngsters. He’s investing in your house as a spot to stay, however not as an asset that he can move all the way down to his personal youngsters. 

You will have navigated your monetary and marital negotiations with consideration, openness and respect. There’s no motive why this must be any totally different. It is going to be simpler for him to acquiesce when you don’t come to him with an ironclad, rigid proposal that may be a fait accompli.

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