As deeply complicated as these emotions had been, Maana Patel remembers them vividly. “I used to be like, s***, I’m in a sinkhole and I can’t come out of it.” This was proper after the Tokyo Olympics, the place the 22-year-old debutant lived the excessive of being the lone Indian feminine swimmer. The low quickly tailed her, the swirl of “a number of ideas and feelings” making her drown deep inside that sinkhole.
A 12 months on, Maana has pulled herself out of it, discovering pleasure within the pool once more. On the recently-concluded Nationwide Video games in her dwelling state, the Ahmedabad backstroke swimmer pocketed three gold, two silver and a combined medley bronze. All three wins got here within the backstroke occasions: 50m (29.77s), 100m (1:04.35) and 200m (2:19.74), every wiping away her personal earlier nationwide meet information. She additionally clinched a few silver medals within the 50m and 100m freestyle with out “actually coaching for it”.
Within the senior nationals in Guwahati final month too, Maana swept the backstroke gold in 50m (29.79, new nationwide meet report), 100m (1:04.33) and 200m (2:20.09). In Might, she clocked the most effective Indian time of 1:03.69 in 100m backstroke on the Mare Nostrum meet in France, reducing her private greatest. Maana had aimed to the touch 1:02 within the 100m backstroke—by which she competed in Tokyo and clocked 1:05.20—within the nationals however is assured of doing so subsequent season.
This time final season, that was the farthest thought in her thoughts. Competing within the 2021 nationals in October days after the Video games, Maana settled for silver within the 50m and 100m and a fourth-place end within the 200m backstroke occasions. “Though I used to be quiet about it, I sought redemption this time. I wished to make issues proper for myself. I used to be not proud of the mindset with which I went into it final 12 months—it was not the way it must be,” she mentioned.
That mindset comprised not desirous to be wherever close to a pool whereas additionally, in her most unfavourable moments, questioning her profession selection. “Going to the Olympics was my lifelong objective. After you’re finished—I didn’t carry out to my expectations and was upset about it—it out of the blue felt like, ‘what now?’ I had mellowed, that fireside in me was lowering. I used to be irritated and irritated on the similar time,” she mentioned.
‘Fixed conflict within the thoughts’
Waking as much as the considered coaching—a routine so ingrained in her each day schedule—can be a nightmare. Maana returned dwelling from Bengaluru. Until November, “I used to be lifeless. I didn’t need to return”. The psychological battle, as she put it, was horrible.
“It’s like a continuing conflict inside your thoughts, and also you’re combating it with your personal self. You’re so confused and so misplaced. You don’t know the place to go. You don’t know whom to achieve out to. You don’t know the best way to take care of the scenario. You can not perceive what’s happening.
“There have been occasions after I questioned all of it—why am I doing this, who am I doing this for, what’s going to I get out of it, why do I put myself underneath this fixed duress the place every little thing is so excessive. In our world, whenever you need to obtain one thing extraordinary, it’s important to reside an excessive life-style. At occasions, I did query it,” she mentioned.
Tucked at dwelling, Maana switched to a “regular life” for a number of weeks and did “nothing”—no swimming, no exercises. Books remained her trusted ally. Quickly, nevertheless, she realised she wasn’t reduce out for it even in her most weak psychological state.
“After a number of days I felt like I a minimum of wished to hit the gymnasium,” she mentioned. “That point off helped me realise that nothing makes me happier than my sport, and that I nonetheless haven’t reached my potential. At occasions, that you must detach your self from the factor or the scenario to grasp whether or not you need it badly sufficient.”
Maana is glad she went by means of that detachment course of, acknowledging that her psychological well being cried for extra consideration throughout that part than “going to the pool and swimming up and all the way down to get the kilometres finished”.
“Everybody round says depart your baggage exterior the pool. However you can’t. You can not simply change your mindset, you can’t be motivated day-after-day to do the identical factor. Typically it’s positive for those who’re not feeling up for it, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to be unhappy. It’s okay to really feel like, ‘aaj nahi karna hai (you don’t need to do it at this time)’. You want somebody to grasp that—your coach, your therapist, your mother and father.”
Maana does attain out to a sports activities psychologist but for her then, that somebody was her mom. “She is my punching bag,” she mentioned. “She listened to my outbursts. And also you simply want somebody to listen to you out, for I stored repeating the identical issues: I don’t need to swim, I don’t really feel prefer it,” Maana mentioned.
Finally, she did, after “pushing myself” to return to Bengaluru for low season coaching late final 12 months. It took a while, however she “took my coaching very significantly”. “I knew my calendar and that I used to be racing in April. When the targets turned clear, I felt like I had one thing to look ahead to,” she added. “The hearth began burning once more.”
Maana is “fairly completely satisfied” with how the season has gone for her. “After all of the ups and downs, I’ve been fairly according to the occasions. I’m feeling good, and I’m assured that I’ll get a 1:02 (in 100m backstroke) subsequent season,” she mentioned.
For now, Maana has completed the present season. She is busy “caring for the human within me”, which includes spending time with household, socialising and relishing the meals she couldn’t by means of the 12 months. “I’m saving the fireplace for subsequent 12 months,” she mentioned.