The final time I noticed my son, Alex, was when he and his girlfriend, Sarah, got here to an artwork present reception that was essential to me. Alex, who had struggled with drug dependancy and melancholy for a few years, appeared to be getting into a constructive interval. He was the image of well being, smiling and giving me a heat hug and saying “I really like you” earlier than he walked out of the gallery. Little did I do know it will be the final time I might see this lovely, clever, loving younger man alive.
The following afternoon, Sarah texted me: “I don’t need to fear you, however I haven’t heard from Alex since round 6:30 final night time.” My intestine advised me that one thing was very fallacious. Finally, I persuaded the weekend workers of the property administration firm to go by Alex’s residence to see if his automobile was there. They known as again to inform me that sure, his automobile was within the car parking zone. They’d knocked on the door, however he didn’t reply. It was then that I knew Alex was lifeless.
After I known as the police, it was an agonizing wait of a number of extra hours till the coroner known as to inform me that the police broke down the door and located Alex. There was no apparent trigger, however he had seemingly died the night earlier than.
From that day ahead, I lived as if Thich Nhat Hanh (known as Thay by his followers) was holding my hand, serving to me to recollect to be current with my breath. My mindfulness apply was now not a mere mental and informal curiosity; it was a life-saving parachute as I fell into the abyss of despair.
The worst day was going to the funeral residence with Alex’s father. I used the apply of Pebble Meditation to calm my racing coronary heart earlier than going inside to view my expensive son’s physique. On this meditation, I held 4 pebbles in my hand. I targeted on one by one to signify the freshness of a flower, the solidity of a mountain, the fact of a transparent lake, and the spaciousness of open area. Doing this, my coronary heart fee went from the mid 120s right down to the 70s. It was sufficient to permit me to proceed with essentially the most tough obligation of my life.
Folks say issues like, “I may by no means survive the lack of my baby” or ask me, “How did you get by means of it?” These are issues that after ran by means of my very own thoughts. The reply is tough for me to articulate. Each particular moments of apply and perception in addition to the gestalt of the teachings have been my parachute.
Understanding interbeing has helped me tremendously. I used to be impressed by the data that my son didn’t simply disappear; as Thay factors out, science proves that nothing is misplaced. Just like the flame on the tip of a match, although it’s now not seen after we blow it out, the weather of that flame are nonetheless there. And so is Alex.
The Lesson of the Second Arrow helped me to acknowledge that the first ache I felt from Alex’s dying needn’t be amplified. Including a narrative of guilt and anger, which the Buddha refers to as a second arrow we fireplace upon ourselves, solely deepens a wound I have already got. I realized to name my struggling by its true identify — grief — and to maintain it with love, understanding, and compassion. I realized that pleasure and grief are two sides of the identical coin; it’s okay to be glad whereas additionally grieving for my son.
I appreciated Thay’s honesty when he wrote about grieving the dying of his mom for an entire 12 months. Thay additionally described a dream of being along with his mom when she was younger and wholesome. When he awoke and walked within the moonlight, he felt his mom’s presence and realized she was very a lot alive in him and round him. This story allowed me to see the identical reality about Alex.
Writer Bio
Teresa L. Waller based the Flowing River Group of Conscious Dwelling in Madison, Indiana. Her dharma identify is Therapeutic Presence of the Coronary heart, which she acquired a 12 months after her son, Alex, died. Teresa’s dharma identify completely captures the therapeutic she skilled by means of the presence of group.
Teresa Waller’s story is excerpted from the guide, Tears Change into Rain: Tales of Therapeutic and Transformation Impressed by Thich Nhat Hanh, (Parallax Press, Oct. 10, 2023), edited by Jeanine Cogan and Mary Hillebrand. Jeanine Cogan, Ph.D., is a mindfulness meditation instructor and government guide. Mary Hillebrand is a former journal editor and author, and is now a instructor who enjoys sharing mindfulness with youngsters and adults in therapeutic settings. Be taught extra at www.tearsbecomerain.org.